One of my most difficult battles was the death of my brother 11 years ago. Since his accident I have received many of these gifts and I treasure each and every one. However, I still struggle with missing him and the pain on a daily basis. With the end of summer and the start of school and football season my heart has been aching horribly. My brother, Cameron, loved football and couldn't wait to play for The University of Oklahoma. He would have been starting his freshman year of high school this year and I know exactly how my schedule would have looked for the fall: 3 out of 7 days at the football field. Monday-Tuttle JV football games for CJ, Friday-Tuttle varsity football games for CJ, and Saturday-OBU football for my boyfriend, Austin.
For me, football is more than helmets colliding, whistles blowing, timeouts being called, touchdowns scored, tackles made, penalties called, field goals kicked, and games won. Football is a vivid memory that I cling to. I see a three year old blonde haired, blue eyed boy in his Oklahoma Sooners jersey in the backyard pretending he was playing the Oklahoma State Cowboys, and winning.
I haven't really expressed my emotions regarding this time of the year to anyone; however, at random this morning, one of my "gifts" sent me a message that I needed more than he knows. For the sake of his privacy, we will call him Uncle J. If he wants to make himself known, I will let that be his call.
A little background on Uncle J: We have known each other for around 5 years now but have been close for a little over 3 years. He is one of my "gifts" that came along during our journey after CJ's accident. Uncle J is great company, he can always lighten the mood and is always good for a laugh. I'm convinced that one of his absolute favorite pastimes is picking on me. He is also always good for sound advice and he's a straight shooter. He has a huge heart and I know he would do anything for me.
My morning started about normal, I have a fairly lengthy drive to work which leaves me with a lot of time to think. Just like almost every morning I had KLove on the radio and CJ on my mind. (I'm sure you are probably thinking, "11 years and she is still affected?" And the answer is yes, and it will always impact me. You can never fully comprehend the toll a tragedy takes on someone until you have lived their nightmare.) So, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns came on the radio and as I looked at the picture I have of my brother on my visor, I felt an overpowering presence of Jesus wash over me. I drove the rest of the way in silence. (Yes, I am alone on my drive to work and one could assume it is always quiet, but I usually put on quite the concert.) Once I arrived at work I had CJ heavy on my mind and a heavy heart. I got settled in, prepared my to do list, and began working. At about 9:30 am my cell phone went off and I received a text from Uncle J, two sentences in and I had tears in my eyes. I'm not going to post the entire message but I will share my favorite portion. "I just want to tell you that the bond you still have with that little guy is amazing. You should hold on to that bond and embrace it... I love you, little girl. Stay strong and live on." As I mentioned, Uncle J joined us approximately 6 years into our journey meaning he did not get the privilege to meet CJ. For him to be able to see the bond I have with my brother and the impact Cam made in my life proves that CJ's spirit lives. Every single day. And that is really something. I couldn't be more thankful I received that text this morning. Thank you, Uncle J. For everything, I love you.
If at any point you have joined my journey in the past 11 years, I thank God daily for giving you me. You are one of my gifts and I love you. There are a lot of things I don't know about life, but one thing I am absolutely certain of is that my life is not lacking love.
I strongly encourage you to take a good, hard look at your life and the people you are closest to. If something were to happen, would they know how you felt? If you are unsure, I challenge you to let them know. Life is so short and precious and can change in an instant. I am so thankful that my last conversation with my brother consisted of me telling him I love him. And to this day I can still hear his sweet voice say, "Good luck, sissy. I love you." And that in itself is a gift, and one of my favorites. Until next time...
Serving Him and chasing squirrels,
ML²
"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
